A Whole New Level of Insanity
by Pen Against Sword
Summary: ..."So, I guess I'm talking to a former enemy who is now a statue by some strange twist of fate. How were the past few years encased in stone, Valmont?" Lucky for Valmont, Jade Chan can never quite escape magic or mysteries.
1. The Joys of Archaeology

A/N: _Welcome to my Jackie Chan Adventures fic, which I will soon be renaming, I think. A long time ago, I started writing this when I watched the show every day. Then it stopped airing, and I moved on to Final Fantasy VII fanfiction and forgot about this fic. Then I added two more chapters. Then, around the beginning of this new year, 2009, I started becoming interested in it again. I think this idea has potential._

_So, I watched a bunch of episodes online to get a better handle on the characters, and I paid close attention to what happened to everyone over the course of the series (and afterward), as listed on the wiki page for JCA, and I have revamped the plot. And so, because of my more developed writing style and my reconstructed plot, I am reposting the first few chapters of this fanfic._

_Now, don't worry! The original premise is still the same – Jade and co. come into possession of the statue-fied versions of Valmont and the Enforcers. But I have worked out some details and decided where I want the plot to go from here, and now I can bring my precious few readers a better experience. So, even though this fandom is almost completely dead, I hope the few of you who stumble across this will enjoy it._

_And one last thing – this is a warning to anyone who is easily squicked. This fic _will_ contain the cracked-out pairing of Valmont/Jade. I like crack pairings. I have been told that I write them well, and I write them in character. Jade will be twenty in this fic, and Valmont will be twenty-nine. If the idea of them having a romantic relationship disturbs you, click the back button, but I assure you I will not be writing anything creepy or pedophilic. That is not my style._

_So! Without further ado, here is the rewritten first chapter of what some of you have come to know as _A Whole New Level of Insanity_._

-

Jade Chan sometimes wondered, if she was destined to take over Captain Black's position at Section 13, why she was digging in the dirt with the blistering sun at her back. Then she remembered that it was because, first of all, Captain Black hadn't taken on _his_ new job at Section 12. Once he did, she would be free to compete for his position at Section 13.

Secondly, she would remember that she had opted for a position on her uncle's Section 13-sponsored archaeology team because it was either that or a desk job until she could ascend the ranks.

Then there was that large part of her that really did love archaeology. At the age of eighteen, she had joined her Uncle Jackie in his days of brushing off things buried in the dirt. Archaeology was a fine art that took patience and dedication and a sort of fondness for tedium.

Jade didn't have any of those things. But she _did_ love archaeology. Not least because, for some reason, things buried in the dirt tended to have magical properties, and for some reason, magical things were attracted to her Uncle Jackie. And where Uncle Jackie was having magical adventures – well, Jade was going to be there, for sure.

Jade supposed that Uncle Jackie probably _did_ want his archaeology to be full of patience and dedication and a fondness for tedium – and, well, of those three things, he did have _dedication_ to it, but rarely was he digging for things in the dirt. Often his digging for things led to discovering artifacts that led him to ancient tombs or sent the world into another unseen, clandestine magical crisis that the J-Team had to band together to fix.

Ah, good times. Good times.

Anyway, during times like these – when she was stuck on her hands and knees, digging in the dirt, wiping uselessly at the sweat produced by the sweltering Egyptian sun – that Jade thought longingly of the always-open arms of Captain Black at Section 13, just _waiting_ for her to ascend the ranks and take over his position.

Of course, when she put her hand down in just the right (or possibly wrong) place on the stone beneath her and a web of cracks bloomed, Jade forgot about Section 13 and started to recall the reasons she liked being an archaeologist – the reasons keeping her from giving it up just yet.

And when she realized that what she had believed was solid stone was actually a crumbling layer concealing empty space beneath, she sucked in a breath hastily and tried to scramble backward. A secret thrill went through as all the reasons she loved archaeology came flooding into her mind when her foot went through the crumbling stone and she started falling through dark, dusty air.

Luckily (and if Jade was anything, she was _extremely_ lucky), Jackie grabbed Jade around the wrist before she could fall for who-knew-how-long to meet a fate of broken bones or worse.

Dangling in midair, Jade looked up at her Uncle Jackie and grinned. He scowled and rolled his eyes at her.

"How do you always manage to do this?"

"Do what, Jackie?"

With a grunt, he hauled her back onto solid ground. "How do you always manage to almost get seriously hurt while still accomplishing something while you're at it?"

"Jade! Jade, are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Viper!"

Jade waved to the approaching figure of Viper, ex-super-thief, current wife of Jackie Chan.

"What happened?" she asked as she trotted up to them. "What'd you do this time, Jade?"

"What else, Susan?" Jackie wiped the sweat from his brow with an already very damp handkerchief. "Jade stumbled on something that will no doubt turn out to be valuable, and she almost got herself hurt in the process."

Four years ago, Jackie Chan had unexpectedly started dating Viper. Apparently, she had been interested in him for some time before he had finally picked up on her hints (with some urging from Jade, considering he was so thick with certain social matters) and asked her on a date. It turned out that her name was actually Susan. In her own words – "Jeez, what sane parents would name their daughter Viper? Besides, Susan's not the coolest name for a super-thief, you know."

Two years after they had started dating, after many missions together, after surviving a great many life-threatening situations, and after nearly six years of knowing each other, Jackie Chan proposed to Viper, and a month later they were married in a small ceremony with a group of their closest friends in attendance.

"Well," Viper said, peering into the yawning mouth of the hole Jade had just revealed, "what d'you think's down there?"  
Jackie shrugged. "There is no telling, really. We'll have to get some flashlights and see."

"Oh, man, I can't wait," Jade said, poking her head over the lip of the hole. "I bet there's all kinds of neat stuff down there!"

"Jade, I think we should wait until the rest of the team can take a look, and _then_ we'll go in once they know it's safe."

"Oh, c'mon!" she exclaimed. "Like I care about waiting for the rest of the team!"

In the past few years of Jackie's archaeology career, Section 13 had assigned him some underlings of his own to order around and take on digs and expeditions as he pleased. They had all grown rather fond of him, and he was getting quite famous in the "archaeology world" after all the rare artifacts and sites he had uncovered.

"We should call them and see if they can make it out to the site within the next few days. Safety in numbers, Jade." Jackie gave her a stern look.

Actually, as of right now, on this expedition, Jade, Jackie, and Viper were the only people on the site. They had been in Egypt for two weeks following some leads that had led to almost no results. In fact, the reason Jackie's full dig team wasn't there was because they hadn't been sure there would be any discoveries at all, really.

And now, as usual, Jade had accidentally uncovered something possibly valuable. And now, as usual, Jackie wanted to wait until the others had arrived.

"That's lame, Jackie! Besides, we don't have to go all the way in or anything. Let's just take a look and make sure we're not inviting them out here to see some random pocket of air I found."

"Well…"

"She does have a point, Jackie," Viper said. "We should take a look before we go calling in the cavalry."

Jackie looked from Jade to Viper and to Jade again. Finally, he sighed, giving in to the two stubborn women. "Fine. But we have to be _very_ careful."

"Duh," Jade said. "I'll go get the flashlights and stuff."

-

When the flashlight beams pierced the darkness, Jade, Jackie, and Viper discovered that the drop below was about ten feet, so they got a ladder and they descended into whatever it was that they had discovered.

The hole Jade had accidentally made in the roof opened onto a hallway of some sort. Hieroglyphics adorned the walls, from floor to ceiling, and they stretched as far as the eye could see in all directions. Jade could not make heads or tails of them.

"Think we might need the Rosetta Stone for this one, Jackie."

"Well, we've confirmed that this place is valuable, Jade. Now I think it is time we go take a break, contact the team, and then wait for them to arrive before we proceed."

"Sure, sure, Jackie," she said absently, taking a few steps down the hall and noticing that there was a turn ahead.

"Jade, what are you doing? Jade, be careful, you never know what's – "

At that moment, Jade put her foot down and the sound of stone scraping stone rang out. She froze, feeling the tile under her foot sink into the floor just a little.

She performed a quick back-flip toward Jackie and Viper, and just in time, as she had triggered some sort of booby trap. In the place where she had been standing, a row of sharp spikes suddenly shot of the wall and then came to a stop.

Jackie gave her a _look_, and she sighed. "Okay, okay, you were right. We'll leave the rest to the de-trapping experts."

Viper clapped a hand on her shoulder. "Whaddaya say we get the heck out of here now, eh? Seing you narrowly avoid being speared was fun enough for me."

Jade swallowed, her throat dry. "Yeah. Sounds good. And can we get some ice cream or something? This heat's killing me."

-

On the way back to their tent to get to the water coolers, Jackie's phone started to ring.

"Hello? Oh, hi, Captain Black. What's that? Well…all right. I'd say it's about time we came home anyway. When's the plane arriving? Okay. Bye."

"What's going on?" Viper cocked her head to the side curiously.

Jackie was already keying another number into his phone. "Captain Black says he's got something interesting to show us, and he needs us back at headquarters ASAP."

"He didn't tell you what it was?" Jade asked.

"No, which makes me think it must be something big," Jackie replied.

"Who are you calling now?"

"The rest of the team to tell them to get here so we can rope this place off and have it investigated. Captain Black's sending a plane to pick us up tomorrow, so I figure they might as well be on it. Easier that way."

"Wow, this does sound important," Jade said.

"I wonder what it could be," Viper mused. Jade shrugged.

They would just have to find out.


	2. Jade's New Guest

A/N: _And I give you the rewritten version of chapter two! Hope you all like it!_

-

"Ah, good, Jackie, Jade, you're here."

Captain Black greeted them with a tight smile, his customary fashion. Anyone who didn't know him well enough would regard this expression as reserved or unfriendly, but Jade and Jackie could detect the slight twinkle in his eyes. He was happy to see them.

"Sorry we waited to come until morning – " Jade started.

"Don't worry about it," Black said. "You probably had an extreme case of jet lag going on."

"Oh, yeah. When I finally got home last night, I felt like I was about to pass out from exhaustion."

"Apologies for rushing you back here like this, but this is kind of an intriguing puzzle we've got on our hands."

"Puzzle?" Jackie questioned.

Captain Black opened his mouth as if to reply, but then just shook his head. "Never mind. You'll see."

Wending through a few more hallways, Jackie and Jade told Black about their finds in Egypt while he asked questions. He always seemed genuinely interested in their digs – although, that was most likely due to the fact that their digs turned into adventures that reeked of magic and required Section 13's (and therefore _his_) involvement. In fact, Jade suspected one of the reasons that Captain Black had not yet transferred to the developing Section 14 was that he had way too much fun getting neck-deep in Jade and Jackie's escapades.

Finally, they came to the door Black wanted, and when he opened it and flipped the light switch on the wall, Jade and Jackie let out simultaneous gasps.

"Captain Black, where – "

"Holy crap, is that – "

Jade and Jackie stopped and looked at each other, then turned their astonished gazes back to the contents of the room.

Before them stood four statues. The remarkable thing about these statues was that they were exact replicas of Valmont and his Dark Hand Enforcers. Ratso, Chow, Finn, and Valmont were cast in intricate stone detail, so flawlessly replicated that Jade almost suspected them to start talking or walking or, y'know, _being alive_ at that very moment.

There was a moment of silence, which Jade finally broke. "Captain Black, these statues…are they, like…"

"They're so lifelike," Jackie supplied.

"And…we haven't heard from Valmont or his Enforcers in, what is it now? Seven years? Eight?" Jade mused.

Captain Black was stroking his chin pensively. "We're pretty sure that this is them. How they got to be this way, we have no idea."

Jackie looked shocked for a moment. "So, wait, you mean to tell me that this is the Dark Hand? As in, somehow, they've been turned to stone?"

"C'mon, Jackie," Jade said. "We've seen weirder. Somehow, I don't find this hard to believe at _all_. And knowing Valmont, there's no telling what he was up to when he got stone-ified."

"He was always trying to restore his empire and his estate to its former glory after depleting it all on the search for the talismans and then the demon portals," Black added. "And you know, with magic, he probably poked his nose in where it didn't belong."

"Where'd you get them?"

"We have agents posted all throughout the black market," Captain Black explained, "and imagine our surprise when one of them reported the sale of some very lifelike statues of a group of rather prominent criminals that no one has seen hide or hair of in eight years."

"I imagine a man like Valmont had quite a few enemies at one point," said Jackie. "I wonder how many of them would have liked to get their hands on a Valmont statue?"

Captain Black nodded. "Yes, I wonder. So I guess the question now is what are we going to do about it?"

"Wha – wait, what do you mean 'we'?" Jackie sputtered.

"Jackie, you and your Uncle are the foremost experts on magic we have."

"Hey!" Jade protested.

From the good-humored glint in Captain Black's eye, Jade could tell he had not included her on purpose. He liked to tease her.

"I know that, Captain Black. So you want to turn them back?"

"Yes, Jackie. If you recall, we let them off the hook after they helped us pretty much rescue the world from certain destruction, so I don't think it'd be all that fair if we left them as statues."

"Besides," Jade said, "if they really needed to serve time, I'd say eight years as statues should be long enough."

Jackie said, "We don't know if they've been statues for eight years."

"No, but we haven't heard from them ever since that whole thing with Drago and his I'm-gonna-destroy-the-entire-world-mwahaha deal, and don't you think that's a little strange? I mean, shouldn't they have been robbing banks and trying to get their hands on magical artifacts and stuff?"

Jackie and Captain Black hummed thoughtfully, and then Jade broke the pause. "Wow," she said, bemused, "it's been a little less exciting without them, hasn't it?"

"Don't be silly, Jade," Jackie said dismissively. "We have enough adventures on our hands that a world without the Dark Hand is not boring.

"Anyway, I guess the only thing we can do is start researching chi spells about it," Jackie continued. "Uncle is sure to have some information in one of his books, wouldn't you agree?"

"That's as good a place to start as any," Black agreed. "Not like _they're_ going anywhere anytime soon." He nodded toward the statues.

As he reached over to turn out the light, Jade suddenly blurted, "Wait!"

Jackie and Captain Black both turned toward her curiously. "What is it?"

"Is this okay?" When they both just stared blankly at her, she said quickly, "I mean, is it right to leave them here in the dark?"

"What do you mean, Jade?"

"Well, I know they're just statues right now, but if they really _are_ the Dark Hand, the _actual_ Dark Hand, then we're leaving human beings sitting in the dark with no company for no reason other than that they're statues."

"They can't tell we're leaving them in the dark, Jade," Jackie said.

"Yeah, but…they're people."

"What do you propose we do with them?" Captain Black asked.

Jade brightened. "Well, I can fit one in my apartment!"

Thinking about it, a statue in her dinky little apartment would probably look really tacky, but it wasn't like she had that many visitors anyway, and hey, it was _her_ apartment. She could darn well do what she pleased with its decorating (or lack thereof, in her case)!

"You want to put one of these statues in your apartment?" Jackie looked vaguely concerned for her sanity.

"Sure!" She paused thoughtfully. "Oh, oh! I call dibs on Valmont!"

"You call 'dibs'?" This time it was Captain Black looking at her like she needed therapy.

"Eh, you know what I mean," she said dismissively. "He looks the most…distinguished and clean-cut, I guess. Least I can do is make sure I get the good-looking one."

"Well," Jackie said slowly, "Viper and I can probably fit two of them in our house."

Jade grinned hugely at him. "And maybe Uncle would be willing to put one in his shop!"

"We can ask him," Jackie agreed.

"Cool, I'll call him right now," she said.

"Jade, Jackie, you guys never cease to surprise me," Black said, shaking his head.

-

Jade stood back to appraise the statue in the corner of her living room. Being person-sized, it took up a lot of space, but oh well, she had sort of gotten herself into this and besides, maybe she could brighten it up a bit by putting some colorful scarves on it and drawing some hearts and stars in magic marker.

At the thought of Valmont with hearts and stars on his face, she snorted.

After Jade had established to Uncle that yes, she _had_ claimed the Valmont statue already and yes, she _was_ well aware of the fact that it was the best-looking out of all of them, and no, she could _not_ be convinced to take one of the uglier ones with her – well, after that, it had taken some doing to get Uncle to let her borrow Tohru long enough to move the statue into her apartment. Luckily, she didn't live upstairs.

Jade pondered the Dark Hand's situation, studying the Valmont statue as she did so.

He was leaning against his cane in his usual fashion, and he had an almost smug look on his face. A tiny smirk played across his frozen lips, and a few strands of his hair dangled over his forehead and into his eyes, giving him a ruffled but still regal air. Every detail on the sculpture looked perfect in a completely imperfect way. Jade supposed that was how a human turned to stone _would_ look.

"I wonder," she said quietly, aware how strange it was to be speaking to an inanimate statue, "how you got to be this way, hm?"

Jade threw her hands into the air. "Ack! What am I _doing_! I'm talking to a statue!"

She squinted at him again, studying him, then started musing aloud once more. "Then again…what if you _can_ hear me? What if you've been frozen for however long with no one to talk to? What if I'm not hurting anything by talking to you?

"Oh, God, I think I'm insane."

After a moment, she shrugged. "Eh. Whatever. Not like it's out of the usual for me."

Jade approached the statue, and – aware of how strange she could be sometimes – pantomimed shaking hands with it. "Well, I know we've met before, Valmont, but it's been a while, and I've changed a lot since then and so have – okay, well, you're pretty much the same, but yeah. Jade Chan. Nice to meet you. Welcome to my abode, where you're going to be for a while, I suspect.

"So, I guess I'm talking to a former enemy who is now a statue by some strange twist of fate. How were the past few years encased in stone, Valmont?" She paused and rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "No, this won't do at all. If you're going to stay in my house, then 'Valmont' is way too formal a name. I think I'll call you Monty." She pictured the look on his face if he were to ever hear her calling him that, and she snickered.

He looked so lifelike – it really was astonishing. Finding herself curious (a trait that oftentimes got her into trouble), Jade cocked her head to the side and stretched her hand toward the petrified crime lord. Her fingertips came into contact with his face, and where she had expected cold stone, she was met with steady warmth instead.

She gasped and retracted her hand, shaking it as if she had been burned. "What the heck!"

After recovering from the initial shock of the unnatural, almost body heat temperature of the statue, Jade touched Valmont again. She was met with that same warmth. In fact, further investigation revealed that the whole statue was warm, and she wondered what had caused this. She figured neither she nor Tohru had noticed it before because of the blistering heat outside. Stone got warm in the sun – easy science.

Once again aware how weird it was that this was a petrified person, Jade stroked her hand over the statue's hair, trying to think of any reason why it might be that warm. Stone was not naturally heated like that. To her astonishment, under her hands, something even stranger was happening.

Since summer in San Francisco was a blistering affair at times, one could be tempted to run the air conditioner constantly. However, that was costly on the utility bills, and Jade was always trying to cut the expenses, so to lower her air conditioner usage, she kept her curtains closed to block out the sun and help maintain a low temperature in her home. Right now, it was mid-summer, and her curtains were drawn, and it was dim in her living room.

This fact helped emphasize the strangeness of another, newer fact – Valmont was glowing. A faint white glow was emanating from him, and Jade wasn't sure why, and it was freaking her out a little. She decided she'd better call Jackie.

His wife picked up. "Viper, you'd better go check the two statues you've got in your house."

"Jade? What's going on?"

"Just…well, you'd have to see it to believe it. Just trust me on this. Are you near one yet?"

"Yeah, I'm standing by Finn right now. What do you need me to see?"

"I need you to touch him," Jade instructed.

"Touch him?" Viper sounded dubious.

"Yes, I know, that sounds weird and slightly sexual and disturbing, but…touch him. I need you to. Oh, ew, not ever saying that again."

"Okay, I'm – " Viper stopped short and hummed thoughtfully, sounding surprised. "He's warm. Why is he warm?"

"I don't know, but Valmont is too."

"This is so strange…"

"And that's not the end of it," Jade said. "Is it dim in the room?"

"Dim?"

"Like, do you have your curtains drawn? Do you have lights on?"

"Well, it's kind of sunny in here."

"Do me a favor and darken it in there. Doesn't have to be pitch black, but make sure it's sort of shadowy."

"Okay…"

Jade waited impatiently as Viper did as she had been instructed. "All right, done."

"Now touch him some more."

"I really wish you would stop saying it like that."

"Ew, me too, but there's, like, no way to make that sound right."

"Jade, can you at least tell me _why_ I am stroking Finn? I'm sure no woman has ever even gone _this_ far with him before."

"What are you _doing_?" Jade was horrified and laughing at the same time.

"Oh, dear, that did sound bad. What I meant was that I am patting him on the head, and no woman would go near Finn, and – ah, what the hell!"

"I take it he's glowing now?"

"That would be a solid yes."

"What do you think this is all about?"

"I have no idea, and I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can let Jackie know for you, though, and he and Uncle can start researching. In the mean time, keep an eye out for anything strange, all right?"

"Sure thing, Viper. See you soon."

"Okay, bye."

Jade hung up the phone and turned toward her new house guest again. The glow on him had faded, and to all intents and purposes, he looked like a normal – if beautifully, masterfully sculpted – statue again.

When Jade laid a hand on his shoulder experimentally, the glow slowly returned, swelling into existence until it was brightening the room just a tad. It really was nice to look at. Almost inviting in a way.

Jade removed her hand, and after a few moments, the glow receded again.

"Hmmm. Well, Monty, I dunno what this is all about, but something tells me that it has to do with how to fix you. Which I intend to do. No one deserves to be stuck like this – not even you."


	3. Criminality

A/N: The show MUST go on! Yes, I know. It's been forever. So sue me.

But, I _did_ update. I said I would, and here it is. There is hope for my other two dead fics! Also, I stole the name "Virgilio Vivacamente" from the Dean Koontz book Life Expectancy.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jade got home and slammed the door behind her, stalking into the living room and practically _throwing_ her keys onto the coffee table. She huffed and puffed, trying to regain her composure. Jackie made her _so_ mad sometimes!

It was always: "Jade, stay behind" and "Jade, that's not a good idea" and "Jade, it's not safe!" The subject of overprotection in question was ready to explode. She grabbed a throw pillow, and, smashing her face against it, screamed as loudly as she could into the pillow, which wasn't very loud at all because it was muffled. Panting, she collapsed onto the couch, letting her eyes slide shut and breathing deeply.

"In with the good air," she chanted as she inhaled, "and out with the bad," she said as she exhaled. Her cinnamon eyes opened. "That's better." The statue of Valmont caught her eyes.

"Monty, Jackie's so frickin' overprotective of me. I mean, come on, I'm twenty, for Pete's sake! I am _almost_ twenty-one! I'm not _five!_ I can occasionally care for myself!" she ranted, beginning to burn with rage again. She stopped herself, breathing deeply again.

"Wanna know what it was this time?" she asked Valmont, of course receiving no response. "I'm gonna tell you, so just sit back and relax." Jade thumped heavily into the easy chair, massaging her temples.

"This time, he, Uncle, and Tohru were going to Antarctica to get samples of some uber-rare lichen or something. So I wanted to go and help, but Jackie, being himself, told me I couldn't go! I mean, it's not like he can tell me what to do and what not to do, but I know that if I _do_ go along, he'll be nothing but a nuisance the whole time, trying to make me feel bad about going against his wishes! ARGH!" Jade let out a snort of frustration.

"It's _always_ been like this! Ever since I was twelve years old and it was you and the Dark Hand that he was fighting. I remember those times. They were good…real good." She chuckled at a certain memory. "Do you remember that time that Dalong Wong turned you into a little kid and I grew to the size of Big Ben because I took a growth spell? And you were all whiny because you wanted to be big again and you had a papercut! That was _hilarious!_ Then when you _did_ get big again, you got arrested. You know, that makes me wonder how you got out of jail in the first place. You were a cutie though. You had those big baby blues! It was adorable.

"I can imagine your reaction to me saying you were adorable." Jade laughed at her pictured look on the crime lord's face. She put on a snooty voice. "You little brat! I am not _adorable_. I am the perfect picture of _evil_ so get it right!" She collapsed into giggles.

Jade sighed. "Monty, I think I gotta go check up on some crime listings. Hook up with the underground to see where you might have lived. Maybe they've heard something about you guys since then. 'Cause see…I got _connections_." She stared at the statue. "_What_? Don't gimme that look! I _do_!"

Jade got up from the couch, grabbing her keys. "Hmph. I'll show Jackie what dangerous is. _I'm_ gonna talk to _criminals_. HAH!"

- - - - - - - - - -

"How may I help you?"

"I'm here to see Victor Castelli."

Jade met the eyes of the handsome receptionist behind the desk. Currently, he was giving her a level look that told her one thing: not a chance in hell.

"Do you have a previously arranged appointment?"

"No…"

"Would you like to make one?"

"I only want to speak to him for a few minutes."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but Mr. Castelli is a very busy man. You'll need to make an appointment."

"Okay, I'll make an appointment. When's the next time I can get in to see him?"

The fair-haired receptionist typed something into his computer rapidly, the light from the screen adding an odd gleam to his eyes. After a few moments of this, he turned back to her. "You can get into see him three months and four days from now, ma'am, at noon."

Jade gaped like a fish. "_Three months?_"

He smiled placidly, showing off perfectly even teeth. "And four days."

"_Three months?_"

His smile faded a little at the corners. "…and four days."

Jade crossed her arms. "I can't wait that long. This is important."

"I'm sure it is, ma'am," the receptionist said with a slightly condescending edge to his voice, "but as I said before, Mr. Castelli is a very busy man, and I can only get you in by appointment."

"Do you know who I am?" Jade demanded, jabbing a finger in his face and leaning over the barrier of the desk.

His blue eyes crossed as he struggled to keep track of her dangerously close index finger. "No, ma'am, I can't say I do."

"_You don't know who I am?_" Jade growled.

"I—"

"I'll have you know that I am the daughter of the richest man in this city, sir, and you would do well to let me in to see Victor right this instant! He and my father are very old friends, and Daddy would not be pleased to hear that I am being treated with such…such…_disregard_." She infused the last word with as much scorn and derision as she could, attempting to sound haughty. Ah, the good ol' days were coming back to her. The lying, the acting, the wriggling out of bad situations.

"And your father is?"

Crap. Jade tried to think fast. She couldn't remember any specific names, and she didn't actually know the identity of the richest man in the city—for all she knew, that could actually be Victor Castelli, considering the humongous skyscraper she was trying to ascend to see him.

"Virgilio Vivacamente," she said confidently, crossing her arms and looking down her nose at him. It wouldn't have been possible if the receptionist hadn't been sitting down. Jade was not tall.

The receptionist lifted an eyebrow. "I've never heard of him."

"What do you mean you've never heard of him? He's Virgilio Vivacamente!"

"I mean just what I said, ma'am. I have never heard of him. Now, do you want that appointment or not?"

"I demand you let me in to see Victor Castelli!"

"That is not possible right now, ma'am."

Jade eyed the elevator doors, shining at her invitingly not even twenty feet away. The receptionist did not fail to notice, and his eyes narrowed, threatening for the first time since Jade had arrived.

"Ma'am, I will ask you this one more time. Do you want an appointment? If you do not wish for me to arrange an appointment, I will have to ask you to leave." His hand hovered over a small red button resting next to the keyboard.

Suddenly, the phone rang.

Eyeing her warily, the receptionist picked it up and answered politely, "Good afternoon. You have reached Castelli Industries. How may I help you?" Jade heard the tones of an irate voice coming through the receiver, and the receptionist had to abruptly turn his attention to what she assumed was a dissatisfied client.

All of his senses were on the conversation. He wasn't even bothering to watch her, so she started edging toward the elevator doors. He still didn't look up, even as she took two steps, then three, then five.

The elevator doors dinged and opened, and the receptionist's eyes shot toward her, so Jade did the only thing she could think of: she made a break for the doors.

"SECURITY!" the receptionist howled into a microphone on his desk. His voice sounded from speakers placed somewhere along the walls, reverberating through the spacious room. "INTRUDER IN THE LOBBY! SECURITY!"

Before Jade could reach the elevator and elbow its single occupant out of the way, one of the other doors in the lobby opened and out ran three burly men with shaved heads and flat faces. They were the standard thugs—big, ugly, and most probably stupid, with names like Bert, Bill, or Boris.

Jade changed directions quickly, trying to find a path that would get her to her destination but avoid the monolithic excuses for humans, but she ended up tripping over her own feet and landing on the marble floor, _hard_. She hissed through her teeth, but by the time she had gathered her wits enough to rise, they were upon her, grabbing her by any limb they could get their hands on and tossing her bodily out the front door. Luckily, the snazzy structure also had a perfectly kempt lawn and springy grass to break her fall.

It still hurt though. Her pride. It hurt her pride.

And no one hurt Jade Chan's pride! Nope! No one! She would find the information she sought, if it was the last thing she did.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jade stared down at the man whose clothes she was about to strip off and wear around a public area.

He was a janitor of course, and as with all janitors, his name was Earl. Once unclothed, Earl had greasy sweat stains on his formerly white undershirt, and he didn't smell too good either. Jade was reminded of the way you open a can of sardines and the smell hits you full force because when she unzipped his custodian jumpsuit, body odor smacked her like a head on collision and ran up her nose like a freight train.

"I hope I didn't kill you when I laid the smack down on you, Earl, because you sure smell like something that's been dead for a while."

Jade wondered at her ability to have conversations with people that were not able to respond.

"Oh, crap, this stinks. When is the last time you washed this uniform? It smells like you've been going swimming in the toilets."

Jade zipped it up in the front, making sure that the key ring was still dangling from the belt loop. She made sure her hair looked neat in the ponytail she had arranged, and then she pulled Earl's limp body behind the dumpster that he had been attempting to throw some trash bags into before Jade whacked him on the back of the head. She apologized to his unconscious body and left an I.O.U. for the uniform laying on his hairy chest. She hoped he'd stay in Lala Land long enough for her to get her business taken care of.

She stepped into the hallway through the staff entrance and found his abandoned custodian cart. For authenticity's sake, she grabbed it and started pushing, whistling nonchalantly and cheerfully as she made her way through the building and toward the elevator. She hoped no one would notice that she was a woman with the name "Earl" stitched onto the name-patch on her uniform. Of course, if all went well, they'd just assume she looked like an Earl and move on with their daily business.

Jade didn't think she looked like an Earl.

The elevator doors loomed, and she pressed the button, waiting for the lift to open. When it did, it was empty, and she breathed a sigh of relief at not having encountered anyone that would blow her cover yet. After the sigh of relief, she inhaled sharply, frowning. She had just realized that she had no idea what floor Victor Castelli's main office was on, and there were thirty-two floors to the building. She could be searching for hours if she didn't find where he was, and it wasn't as if the floor selection panel had a label that said "VICTOR CASTELLI'S OFFICE HERE" on it.

Before she could just start pressing random buttons, however, the lift lurched into upward motion, and she figured someone must have pressed the button for it on another floor. Jade shrugged to herself. Oh, well, she'd just wait to see where it went before she did anything else.

It stopped on floor number eighteen, and a short man with a shiny bald head and a sweat moustache entered. He dabbed at his ruddy face with a plaid handkerchief, nodding to her absently. But then she noticed his large brown eyes flicker to her nametag, and his face lit up.

"Oh, _there you are, Earl!_"

Jade looked startled, then realized he was addressing her. "Oh, uhm…er…"

"Donahue told me to give this note to Victor, and I told him I didn't have time to do it because I have to get to my daughter's baby shower in thirty minutes, and so he told me to give it to Earl and I said I didn't know where Earl was. I was heading down to the custodian's main office to find this Earl person, but this is convenient!" He looked puzzled for a moment, scratching behind one of his ears. "Of course, I had no idea Earl was a girl…"

Jade thought quickly, and decided to act a little bit miffed. "Pardon me, sir, but I didn't choose my name."

"Oh, no, no, no! Certainly not! My apologies, ma'am, I didn't mean to offend. Earl is a lovely name, by all means, and it is much lovelier on a beautiful woman." He winked playfully at her and held out a white envelope in one pudgy hand. "Will you deliver this for me then?"

Jade accepted the parcel. "Oh, sure, but uh…is Mr. Castelli in his office at the moment? He wasn't there the last time I cleaned, and that was only a few moments ago…"

"If he's not in his office, then he might be practicing his putting on the tenth floor. That's where I normally find him at this time of day." The elevator _dinged_ and the fat man looked startled for a moment. "Oh, here's my stop! Thank you, Earl. Have a nice day."

Jade waved to him as he left, and then punched the button for the tenth floor, tapping her foot impatiently as the lift moved.

The elevator _dinged_ once more and opened up to reveal a sumptuous room. It looked like a giant, hilly green that had holes interspersed through it in various places. Miniature flags dotted the indoor landscape, and Jade realized that the better part of the tenth floor was designed for the purpose of perfecting the art of putting.

Off to one side, a manmade waterfall gushed out of one wall, feeding a good-sized koi pond where the scales of the fish reflected in the sunlight coming through the man-high, tinted glass windows. In another corner, she saw what looked like the door to a sauna, as there were towels sitting on a large rack beside it and steam pouring from the crack under the entrance.

Jade stood for a moment, gaping, until two voluptuous women and an arrogant-looking young man, who appeared to be around the age of seventeen, stepped out of the door that led to the steaming room. The young man almost immediately noticed her, and he narrowed his eyes, seemingly insulted by her presence.

"Was there something you needed, or are you going to stand around stinking up the place while we try to enjoy ourselves?" he said to her. The women on either of his arms giggled behind perfectly manicured hands, and Jade sneered. Then she remembered herself, and she turned the look into a simper.

"I was trying to deliver this envelope to Mr. Castelli, and I was told he'd be on the tenth floor," she said, making her voice sound meek. She didn't look him directly in the eye.

"You were told wrong. My father is in his office. You're about fourteen floors from the correct destination. Now get out of my sight."

Jade scurried out, thankful to get out of the arrogant young man's presence. She wondered if he might have been one of Victor Castelli's three sons. She didn't have much time to ponder it as the elevator ascended to floor twenty-seven and opened into a rather shiny office.

She didn't really have time to study the office either as Victor Castelli looked up from the papers on his desk and spotted her. The two burly guards on either side of him looked up as well, and each reached for something at their respective hips. Jade had a funny feeling they were guns.

"Yes?" he said, his voice clipped.

"Donahue sent me with this note for you." She brandished the envelope and approached slowly, hesitant of the bodyguards. They did not relax, but their hands did slip back to their sides as she showed the envelope.

Castelli reached out to take it. "Thank you…" His eyes drifted to her name patch. In a split second, Jade thought _oh, shit_ and then the muzzles of two handguns were inches from her face.

Victor Castelli's sharp eyes were narrowed at her as he fingered the blunt edge of the envelope. "So what's in this?"

Jade thought about lying. Then she figured that was no good, seeing as she didn't have any idea what she'd tell him. Honesty was the best policy, after all. She almost shrugged, but then thought better of it. Those bodyguards were tense, and there was no telling what it would take to set them off, and then, she'd be toast. With lots and lots of Jade-flavored butter.

"Honestly, Mr. Castelli, I don't know."

"Really…"

"Really."

"Anthrax? Some kind of poison? A recording device? You're not a cop. You don't look like a cop. I know cops, and you're not one."

"I'm not a cop, and could you guys stop aiming those guns at my face?" she said, eyeing the two of them.

Castelli shook his head, attempting to look like he was regretful and pretty much failing horribly. "I'm sorry, but that's not quite possible at the moment."

"I'm not armed, I promise."

"You promise?" Castelli laughed, short and startling. "You sneak into my building, you steal one of my custodian's uniforms, you somehow find out what floor I am on, and you _promise?_ What's your name, pretty lady?"

Jade stiffened at the familiarity, but answered him anyway. "Jade Chan."

He contemplated her for a moment. Jade took the time to study him. Victor Castelli was not tall or especially muscled. He had close-cropped dark hair, and thin, shrewd eyes that were so dark as to appear black. He had full lips and a strong jaw-line, and overall, he was a very good-looking man. He seemed approachable and normally friendly. There were laugh lines around his mouth.

Jade knew better though.

"Jade Chan," he said thoughtfully, as if tasting the name. "You've got moxy, Jade. Why are you here, dressed in that getup, intruding in my private office?" His tone was not pleased.

"You knew Valmont."

He cocked his head to the side and pressed his steepled fingers to his mouth, letting the envelope rest on the polished surface of his desk. "What of it?"

"I need information."

"You have balls, coming in here dressed like that and making demands, sugar. I like that. What is it you want to know?"

"When and where was the last place he was seen?"

"How am I supposed to know? I never kept tabs on Valmont. When he lost his fortune and his standings, he was out of my sight and out of my mind. He could've last been seen on the moon, for all I know."

Jade sighed. "Damn."

"Why do you need to know so bad anyway?"

She shook her head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

The corner of his mouth quirked a very slight bit. "Try me, doll-face."

Jade tried him.


	4. Choktah

Jade sometimes wondered how she got herself into situations like her current one.

If she concentrated hard and ignored the sound of feathered darts whizzing past her head, she would come to the memory of the very first time she remembered meeting her Uncle Jackie.

-

"_Hi there, Jade. I'm your Uncle Jackie."_

_"Jackie," Jade's mother said. "We were wondering if you'd be willing to baby-sit Jade for us sometime. We never get any time alone…"_

_"That would be no trouble at all! In fact, I would love to have Jade over at my place for a visit once in a while. What do you think of that, Jade?"_

_Little Jade had nodded eagerly, smiling a gap-toothed grin at him. He reached into his pocket, and with a humongous smile on his face, handed her a blunt, triangular rock._

_She stared at it, perplexed. He told her, "That is a Native American arrowhead, Jade. I am an archaeologist. If you come stay with me, maybe you can help me dig for buried treasure!"_

_Jade giggled and stared in awe at her new trinket. Jade's parents looked at each other and smiled._

-

Jade skidded to a sudden halt as she came to a cliff overlooking a medium-sized lake. Behind her, the shouts of the natives were getting louder, and just when she thought they had run out of things to shoot at her, an arrow flew by and landed in a tree trunk not two feet from her, quivering where it stuck.

Wide-eyed, she contemplated her options.

-

"_Try me, doll-face."_

_Jade tried him. She told him the whole story of how the Dark Hand's assorted members had been discovered encased in stone. She told him how the statues were too detailed to be anything but the actual Dark Hand, how she was in possession of Victor why she had infiltrated his building, and when she was done, he gave her an assessing look._

_"I said you had moxy, babe, and I meant it. Now that I've heard your story, I think my mind is starting to…_clear up_."_

_Jade stared at him, uncomprehending. He continued, "I can give you a bit of information on Valmont, but you're going to have to do something for me. You see, my mind is still so hazy on the details that I don't know if I can remember what you need to know, even after hearing all of your story."  
_

_ Jade scowled, knowing where this was going. "You want me to do you a favor in exchange for the information on the Dark Hand. So you knew something all this time, but you didn't want to tell me?"_

_"No, no, don't put words in my mouth, honey. I'm getting older, I've got kids and a business to run. Sometimes I don't remember things as quickly as I used to. It takes some…persuasion."  
_

_Jade placed her hands flat on his desk and leaned forward. "What do you want me to do?"_

_"Well…"_

-

Jade looked down over the edge of the cliff at the murky water below. There was no telling how deep the lake was, or if there were rocks at the bottom. From the top of the cliff to the water below had to be more than fifty feet of distance. She swallowed, hearing the crashing of feet through the jungle foliage.

Swallowing once more, realizing just how dry her throat was when she could not summon saliva from any corner of her mouth, Jade bent her knees and swan-dived into the gray-green water below. A dart passed through the space her head had occupied a mere split-second before.

-

"_You want me to_what_?"_

_"I want you to go negotiate with the chieftain of a tiny village in the backwoods of Brazil."_

_"And by 'backwoods of Brazil,' you mean…"_

_"The Amazon Rainforest, of course."  
_

_"The Amazon Rainforest."_

_"Yes."_

_"And how do you expect me to _find_ this place in the middle of the Amazon Rainforest?"  
_

_"I will arrange a guide for you."_

_"So, by 'negotiate,' you mean…"_

_"In this chieftain's possession is a very valuable artifact. I happen to collect very valuable ancient artifacts. This item is said to have belonged to Cortez himself. I want this artifact. I have contacted this man in an attempt to purchase said artifact from him, but no amount of persuasion has swayed him."_

_"You want me to steal it."  
_

_"Ah, but you see, in _this_ business, we don't use such harsh terminology."_

_"And by 'harsh terminology,' you mean…"_

_"I mean, in this business, we don't speak the truth, sugar."_

-

Jade twisted in the air a couple of times before hitting the water with a loud _smack_. The spear secured to her back knocked painfully against her shoulder blades, but she grimaced and paddled despite that. She was not and had never been a beautiful swimmer, but she did her best to get further under the water, knowing that any projectiles thrown at her would alter course upon impact.

She pumped her arms and legs, and somewhere in the back of her mind, the thought of what might be lurking in the hazy water made her feel gross. She had her eyes open in an attempt to navigate, but she really couldn't see more than three feet in front of her nose at any given time. Her limbs were already burning from lack of oxygen. The impact with the surface of the lake had knocked the wind out of her.

Finally, she could go no further and she stroked toward the air. She burst out, flinging water everywhere, and took a huge, sucking gulp of air. She heard screams and animalistic yells from behind her. Horror bloomed in her as she heard a humongous splash. Her head whipped around, and she was met with the sight of dozens of dark-skinned bodies slipping gracefully into the water behind her.

"_Shit_!" she hissed, diving once more. She could swim faster underwater.

Frantically, she paddled and kicked, arms and legs rubbery with fatigue. She could hear them gaining on her, so when she reached the bank she started running, her wet feet squishing uncomfortably in her boots.

The mud sucked her feet down, and she wrenched them out, attempting to go even faster. She reached the thick foliage and went tearing through, knowing she was leaving a rather obvious trail.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" she panted, eyes wide. Jade did not usually swear, since she didn't usually have much reason to, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

That was exactly the adage that ran through her head when she saw the hole under the tree.

-

"_Listen, kid," said her brawny guide, "Victor didn't tell me shit about where we gotta go, but I have a good idea in my head, and I just want to know if you're ready for this."_

_Jade scowled when he called her kid, even though he was a good thirty years her senior. His name was Bruno, hired by Vivacamente to guide her to the village where the chieftain had the artifact. He was tall, broad, and looked to be about fifty years old, with shocks of gray hair at his temples and rugged stubble on his jaw._

_"Don't call me kid, and yes, I'm ready for this."_

_He cocked an eyebrow at her, and she glared at him with all of her might. He raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Whoa, whoa, don't get your panties in a wad. How old are you, anyway?"_

_"I'm twenty," she said through clenched teeth._

_"Eesh, Victor picks 'em younger an' younger."_

_"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she exclaimed._

_"Nothin'! Calm the hell down. Now, I'm guessing that your destination is the village of Anaktitlak."_

_"…eh?"_

_"He didn't tell you the name of the village, did he?"_

_"Nope."_

_"But he wants you to go get this artifact?"  
_

_"Yep."_

_"Did he even tell you what the artifact was?"_

_"Nope. He said I'd recognize it on sight."  
_

_"Well, that may be true. But I'll give you a heads up—it's a spear. Said to have magical powers and shit like that."_

_"Cool."_

_"Did he tell you_anything_, kid?"  
_

_"Don't call me kid, and no, not really. How do you know all this stuff?"_

_"I've been the guide for all the others he's sent this way."  
_

_"Others?"_

_"There have been five before you."_

_"_Five_? What happened to them?"_

-

Jade had a good idea what had happened to the other five people before her.

They had been eaten or something, she just knew it. Hungry natives were no one's best friend. If they hadn't been eaten by natives, they had been eaten by vicious tree-root bug-things.

She squirmed, trying to stay hidden with the leaves over her face and the wet mud sliding over her body. The spear scratched uncomfortably around her knees. Jade had wriggled into a teeny tiny crawl space under the roots of a gigantic tree. She'd grabbed some brush and leaves and arranged them artfully over her face, successfully obscuring all evidence of her presence.

Shortly, she heard shouts and wild calls and the pounding of feet passing very close. She squeezed her eyes shut, despite the fact that she couldn't see anything anyway with the leaves over her face. Something had wriggled up her pantleg and was chewing on her in a most uncomfortable way, but she counted until she got to what she thought was fifteen minutes before sliding her way out of the hole.

-

"_I'll be waiting for you here if you make it out."_

_"_If_ I make it out?"_

_"Uh, I mean, _when_ you make it out."_

_Jade rolled her eyes. "Gee, thanks, Bruno."_

_He raised his hands again. "Hey, hey, it's not my fault your on Victor's death mission."  
_

-

Jade made a break for it, running with all of her strength, heedless of the noise she was making as she crashed through the brush. Her blood was pounding in her ears and her the sound of her heavy breathing layered over that prevented her from hearing much else. She didn't really care—she was just running for her life.

She broke the trees after an interminable amount of time and saw what she was looking for—the path that led to her ride. If she found the lake Bruno and the plane were parked on, she'd be home free!

She took one more step and felt herself seized by the backpack and lifted off the ground.

-

_Jade stepped into the edge of the village and was immediately seen by a buck-naked little kid. He screamed at her and pointed, then scampered away._

_She shrugged. "Oh, well," she sighed to herself. "You win some, you lose some."_

_Unfortunately, she was about to lose some._

_With freakish cries, no less than ten half-naked men swarmed her, knocking her to the ground and tying her legs and arms before she could even give so much as a howdy-do._

_"Uh, hi, guys," she ventured._

_One of them barked something at her in a guttural language. She grimaced at his tone, shrinking away slightly, and shook her head to indicate she didn't understand. He scowled and aimed a kick at her side. She yelped._

_They dragged her to a hut in the center of the village, and just before they threw her into the dark, smelly hut, she caught sight of what she was looking for._

_There, surrounded by flowers and fruits and other offerings, was a brightly painted spear. Around it, on five spikes, were the bleached-white or partially decayed skulls belonging to, Jade assumed, her predecessors._

_She had the brief thought that she might have been screwed._

-

Jade yelled, kicking and waving her arms about wildly. She was thrown to the ground, and she felt the spear get ripped off of her back, the plastic clips on her backpack snapping and releasing the straps.

"Hey, give that back!" she screeched, flying at her assailant.

Said assailant turned out to be the village chieftain. He shoved her back to the ground and glared down his hawkish nose at her.

"This does not belong to you."

Jade blinked, realizing that he had just communicated something to her in English. She blinked again when she comprehended what he had said.

"Well, _duh_! Of course that thing doesn't belong to me! I stole it!"

"…you have_ choktah_," he said after a moment's hesitation.

She blinked. "I have what?"

"_Choktah_," he repeated. One dark hand clapped over his crotch. She colored.

"If you say so, but I need that spear!"

-

_Jade had managed to slip her tiny knife out of the place on the inside of her pants where it was hitched and was slicing at the ropes that bound her hands. It had taken her so long to get Bruno as a guide and get flown to the village that by the time she had arrived there, it was late evening. She didn't know how long she had been in the hut, but it had to have been a few hours now._

_The knife was extremely dull and she was having a hard time working at it, but after another few hours of work, she had freed her hands._

_She figured that there would be no point in trying to escape just then. If she tried to navigate the jungle in the middle of the night, there was no doubt in her mind that she'd just get terribly lost and never find her way home and get eaten by jaguars. She wasn't really sure if there were jaguars in the backwoods of Brazil, but she didn't really want to find out._

_So Jade checked her digital watch and saw that it was only around midnight, and she waited some more. When she was sure that dawn would be coming soon, she peeked her head sawed away the ropes around her ankles and peeked her head out the door. Pink was touching the clouds in the sky, and she knew she only had a little time._

_She crept silently over to the shrine in the village center and easy as pie, plucked the spear from its altar. As she did however, one of the skulls clattered into some ceremonial instruments and made a loud racket._

_She froze, but when she heard a loud shout and whirled to see one of the natives looking at her from the flapping door of a hut, she streaked away, attempting to slip the long spear into the loops of her backpack._

-

"Thieves of the Koylan must be punished."

Jade gulped. "Oh. Really."

"By death."

"Oh," she squeaked. "That's…lovely. So are you going to kill me?"

"You are more skilled than any that have come before you. I will give you the chance to overcome me physically."

He spread his legs and hunched over with the spear readied in his hands, suggesting a fighting pose. Jade assumed an opening stance, one that was familiar from Uncle Jackie's lessons.

Neither of them moved. Jade could feel sweat trickling down the back of her neck. They started to circle each other, tense and ready to spring.

With a roar, the chieftain made his move, and Jade dodged, but there was no need. He suddenly slumped to the ground without a sound, the spear rolling from his grasp.

Behind him, with the butt of a shotgun positioned where the chieftain's head had just been, Bruno stood, panting.

"I couldn't just let ya get killed, kid."

"Don't call me kid!" she yelled at him, scooping up the spear and holding onto it for dear life.

"Let's get the fuck outta dodge," he said, running down the path that led to the plane. Jade followed him, her eyes darting all over the place, searching for any signs of danger.

When they were finally in the cockpit and taking off, Jade breathed a sigh of relief, slumping in her seat.

"Glad that's over."

"You know, girlie, you got balls."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?"


	5. Friendship

A/N: **MUY IMPORTANTE AUTHOR NOTE, RIGHT HERE PEOPLE.**

_Okay, so I reposted the first two chapters of this fic in honor of the fact that in the three years since those two chapters were written, I have improved muchly. I actually do want to finish this little tale, and I intend to do so, but I had to make it not suck before I proceeded._

_Not many details of the plot have been changed, but the dialogue and the intro are much better, and since I have gone and researched Jackie Chan Adventures, it fits canon much better. So have fun with it, and here's chapter five._

_**ONE LAST IMPORTANT THING: **__I changed it so that Hak Foo is not included in the line-up of statues. You'll see why. Sorry for all the retconning._

-

"What do you mean you won't let me in to see Vincent Castelli!" Jade raged at the front desk. This time, she was talking to a new receptionist who wouldn't let her in – she was basically a female version of the one from a few days ago.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but you don't have an appointment." She eyed Jade with more than a little distaste, not even attempting to hide the sentiment, and Jade was not really surprised – considering she was covered from head to toe in drying mud, and she was currently waving a spear around with a slightly crazy gleam in her eye.

She had come straight to the Castelli building after stepping off the plane. She had not paused for sleep or a shower or food or anything – she just wanted Victor to know, up close and personal, what she had done to get his stupid artifact. And she sort of wanted to sling some dried mud on him too. Bastard.

Jade gritted her teeth and said, as calmly as she possibly could, "Okay. Then why don't you call Mr. Castelli and tell him that I'm here? That ought to prove to you that he's expecting me."

Or not expecting her. He probably thought she had died, just like all the others he had sent before her.

The receptionist pressed a button on the phone before her. "Mr. Castelli," she said in a falsely pleasant voice, "there's someone here to see you."

"What?" His voice came back through the lines sounding irritable. "Who is it? What do they want?"

"Mr. Castelli, it's some crazy girl who's covered head to toe in mud and waving a spear in my face."

"Oh, really?" His tone was brighter, warmer and more welcoming. "She didn't get killed then, I take it. Send her right up!"

-

"All right, Castelli, I got your freakin' spear, now tell me what I need to know," Jade growled.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, did you come straight here? When's the last time you had any sleep?" He paused as she glared at him. "Or a bath for that matter."

Jade scowled. "That doesn't matter. Anyway, here's your spear, which I _almost got killed for_!"

"Calm down, sweets. Have a seat, prop your feet – " He peered at her dirt-caked boots. "Have a seat and relax. Want some coffee? Tea? A sandwich?"

Suspicious, Jade perched in a chair across from him. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

His eyes gleamed. "Why wouldn't I be hospitable to someone who just survived a tribe of cannibals to get me an artifact that it's taken me six tries to retrieve?"

"Because I'm doing it in exchange for information, not just as a favor."

"Well, I'm hoping to soften the blow."

"Blow?" Jade's eyes narrowed.

Castelli smiled grimly. "I don't really have any information to give you."  
Her answering cry of "_WHAT_!" could be heard a full three floors below them.

His grim smile turned to a grin resembling a shark's. "That's why I like you. You're a spitfire. I knew I was right to send you to get that spear."

"Listen, you, _you_…" She advanced on him, spear pointed toward his throat threateningly, getting ever-closer to his jugular. "You sent me on a death-mission, where I nearly got roasted and eaten by crazy natives, and _then_ had to hide out in the mud, and _then_ I was challenged to a duel to the death by the native chieftain – "

"You were challenged to a duel to the death?" Castelli started laughing uproariously.

"I'm telling the truth!" Jade shouted.

"I know you are," he choked. "That's the best part!"

"And now you tell me you _don't actually have any information for me_!"

"Honey, baby, doll-face – "

Jade snarled.

"Calm yourself, please. Sit back down, put that spear down, and let me explain."

"No."

"Fine, stand there with it pointed at me, but I'll have you know that getting blood on that takes away from its value – ah, ah! Okay, okay!" He held up a consoling hand as she growled and jabbed the spear in his direction. "The truth is, I don't really know _anything_ about Valmont, but I do know someone who will."

"Who?" she snapped.

"I was getting to that, sugar. He used to work very closely with Valmont – for a fee of course – up until Valmont disappeared. This man is a martial arts master that goes by the name of – "

"Hak Foo," Jade breathed. "Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that before? Duh!"

"You know him, I take it," Castelli observed.

"Ugh, do I ever," she said, as echoes of _"Angry crow takes flight!"_ rang through her memory.

He raised a dark, elegant eyebrow at her. She spluttered, "N-not like that!" He smirked.

"In any case, I know where he's living now if you want to ask him any questions. After all, you're so very…"

Jade raised an eyebrow as he smiled wolfishly.

"Persuasive."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," she scoffed. "Here's your stupid spear."

Castelli was writing something on a piece of paper. He handed it to her. "Here's the address. Go home, take a shower, and get some sleep, doll-face."

Jade waved a hand over her shoulder, as she was already walking toward the door, but he stopped her with one last remark. "Wait a minute." She turned to look at him. "If you ever need anything, anything at all, girly,

I'll tell my receptionist that Jade Chan is welcome here."

Jade cocked her head to the side for a minute, feeling a tired smile blossom over her face despite herself. "Thanks, Victor."

"You deserve it, sweet-cheeks. Now get out of my office," he said with a good-humored glint in his eye.

As Jade walked out, she wondered at what her life had become – she had just made friends with the head of a crime syndicate. Wow.

-

When she slumped into her reclining chair in her living room, she was bone-tired but for some reason didn't necessarily feel like she could sleep. Her mind was buzzing. She contemplated turning the television on, but even that felt like too much effort.

Suddenly, she glared at the statue in the corner.

"You!" she exclaimed half-heartedly. "This is all _your_ fault, y'know. And I bet you don't even appreciate the things I do for you, you jerk.

"Wait, of course you don't! You're a statue. You can't appreciate things if you're made of stone. Glowy-magical-warmy stone or not. Heh. Warmy. Sounds like wormy. Wait, ew." Her voice was starting to slur with fatigue.

"I'll have you know, _Monty_, that I became friends with a local crime lord for you. A local crime lord! Me! Friends!" The statue, of course, did not even flutter a delicately sculpted eyelash. "And not only that…but I've had three different men tell me in the past forty-eight hours that I have balls. I don't wanna have balls! I'm a hot, sexy female, for crissakes. I don't…need testicles."

Jade was well-aware that she sounded like a looney, talking to an inanimate object (person?), but she was way too tired to care, and besides, it was kind of lulling her to sleep.

"And I almost got _killed_ by the chief of a tribe full of _cannibals_, and all because I want to help you get back to normal. Wait till Jackie hears about this. Oh, God, never mind, I will never tell him. He will lock me in a padded room with soft toys and try to keep me safe forever.

"And tomorrow, I've gotta go see that angry crow crazy guy you were always with. Eesh. I wonder why he's not turned to stone like you, Monty…"

Her voice trailed off into silence as she mused, and a few moments later, she was breathing deeply, asleep in her armchair.

-

Jade knocked on the door of the almost quaint house before her. Of all the places a guy like Hak Foo would live, she had not pictured anything like _this_.

Before her was a nice, two-story suburban home with green shutters and a pretty, stained glass front door. Flowers, wilting in the mid-summer heat, lined the walk, and there were bird feeders in the front yard. The lawn was in need of a trim, but it wasn't too bad. A bicycle was laying in the grass, as well as a couple of baseballs and one of those plastic golf clubs that come in outdoor toy sets.

A few moments after her knock, she heard the approach of footsteps, and the door opened on a tiny woman with spiky black hair and sharp black eyes. She took one look at Jade, raised an eyebrow, and said, "Yes?"

"Er, hello," she said. "My name is Jade Chan. I'm not sure if I got the right house or not, but…does Hak Foo live here, by any chance?"

After squinting suspiciously at Jade, the woman bellowed over her shoulder, "_Hak Foo! There is someone at the door for you!_"

When Hak Foo came into sight over the woman's shoulder, his eyes met Jade's, and they widened. "You!" he spat. "Why are you here?"

"I'm here to ask you a few questions," she said confidently.

"About what? I do not want to answer any questions." Jade could see that the woman (his wife? They were both wearing rings on their wedding fingers) was standing behind him, watching the exchange curiously.

"How did you find my house?"

"A man by the name of Vincent Castelli gave me the address after I fetched a spear for him."

Hak Foo's eyebrows shot up. "You retrieved the Koylan?"

Jade sputtered, "How do you even know what that is?"

He snorted. "When you used to be in the business like me, you knew what some of the most valuable collectibles were. Anyway, what do you want? Hurry it up before I get angry and kick you out."

"What, angry crow takes flight and all that?" she replied, amused.

As he opened his mouth, an angry look on his face, his wife guffawed. "She has you there, Hak Foo. Who are you, girly?"

Hak Foo muttered, "Whose side are you on, woman?" Jade grinned cheerfully. "Like I said, my name is Jade Chan. Me 'n' Hak Foo are…old friends, I guess you could say."

"If it's the kind of old friends I'm thinking of, I don't think I want you at my house," his wife said.

"No no, I was one of the ones keeping your husband _away_ from a life of crime. Well…attempting to. Okay, well not even really attempting to. I just wanted his grubby hands off of the talismans. Him and Valmont. Which is why I'm here actually. For Valmont."

She was aware that she was babbling, but Hak Foo ignored that in favor of looking interested in her ramblings. "Valmont? You've heard from him?"

"Well..." Jade said, hesitating. "I wouldn't say that exactly."

Hak Foo's expression shifted from curious to grim. There was a pause as he seemed to deliberate something, but before he could speak, his wife broke in. "Oh, what am I doing making you stand there on the front step for this long? It's hot out there. Come in, have a drink. I can tell we have a lot to talk about."  
Hak Foo opened his mouth to protest, but she shot him a look with her beetle-black eyes, and he subsided, grumbling.

"Wow, Hak Foo, when did you get so whipped?"

"Shut up!" he said at the same time his wife answered, "When he married me."

Jade snickered.


	6. From the Mouths of Babes

A/N: _Surprisingly, I shan't keep you waiting this time, readers. My FFVII reviewers will probably be displeased that I am skipping out on their Saturday update for this, but that's okay. I needed a change of pace with Jade and Monty._

_Have fun with chapter six, my friends._

-

Jade sipped at the absolutely delicious lemonade Hak Foo's wife – apparently her name was Min – had given her.

She was perched on a squashy, comfortable arm chair in the front room, and sitting stiffly across from her, arms crossed, was Hak Foo. His wife was sprawling lazily on the couch next to him, her small stature not at all hindering her intimidating presence. Somehow, though, Jade liked the sharp way she looked and her quick, alert eyes.

Off to the side, there were two young boys playing a racing game of some sort on the television. They seemed really engrossed, and they hadn't even looked up when Min showed Jade the living room.

Min saw her looking at them and said, "Jade, these are our sons, Jun and Gan. Jun, Gan, we have a guest. Say hello."

They paused the game long enough to swivel their heads around and wave. Jade noticed in that moment that they were twins, their angular features matching perfectly. They couldn't have been more than five or six years old.

Jade cleared her throat awkwardly. "So…"

"Why did you retrieve the Koylan from a tribe of cannibals? Why did you need to find me through Vincent Castelli?"

"See, about that – recently, I came into possession of an interesting, er… artifact."

"'Artifact'?" Hak Foo lifted a brow, his eyes narrowing to slits.

"Yeah. It's, um, you see – "

"Quit stuttering, girl!" snapped Min. "If you wish to make me angry, hesitate and mumble some more." She shook her head irritably.

Jade was slightly startled, but then she decided she liked Min. She could see why the little woman was married to Hak Foo – she would be able to handle his personality rather well.

"Sorry," Jade muttered, scratching the back of her head.

"Don't apologize – just get to the point."

Hak Foo seemed to be snickering behind his hand. Jade shot a glare in his direction, and his black eyes shone.

"Right. Well, the artifacts I speak of are statues. Some special statues. They're… we think they're the Dark Hand – minus you that is, Hak Foo."

"You think the statues are the Dark Hand?" Hak Foo looked confused.

"Yeah."

"The Dark Hand… you ran with them before you met me, didn't you?" Min asked Hak Foo.

Min's husband nodded. "Valmont would often pay me to be the strong arm in his group."

"Yes, I believe you told me about that."

"Then they disappeared, and shortly after that, I met you and gave it all up."

"If you don't mind me asking, how _did_ you guys meet?"

Min looked at her sharply, then shrugged. "I saved him from getting cut up in a barroom brawl."

She gaped. "_You _saved… _him_? Why couldn't he just… you know… _lion devours prey!_ Or, like, _crouching tiger springs!_"

Hak Foo glowered at her, and Min smiled wolfishly. "He was being pinned down by six men, several with knives, and no one was doing anything about it, and I was not about to let six men beat an unarmed one."

"But…but… I've seen you take out so many dudes before! Unarmed!" Jade exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. At that point, Jun and Gan had turned around and were paying very close attention to the conversation.

"I believe he had been in a drinking contest," Min said, grinning smugly at him. "In fact, that was what started the whole thing. Some of those guys didn't want to admit that Hak Foo had clearly beaten their pal –"

"Who was passed out on the floor," Hak Foo added.

"—and so they decided violence was the best action, I suppose. Luckily, I'm a cop, so all I had to do was wave my gun around a bit and – "

"_You're_ a _cop_?" Jade blurted. Her gaze darted rapidly from Min to Hak Foo. "_You_ married a _cop_?"

Hak Foo shrugged. "Why do you think I'm living the straight life now? Couldn't win her over if I was a felon. She wouldn't agree to go out with me until I turned over a new leaf."

"Besides," Min said, very satisfied with herself, "with the dojo I was opening, he had the perfect job lined up, and he could work off all that extra energy without resorting to crime."

Jade almost had to physically wrestle her jaw into its proper position – that was closed, not hanging agape like a moron. Min's little black eyes twinkled while Gan and Jun giggled at the funny faces she was making.

"Enough of all this nonsense," Min said, making a _go on_ motion. "Where did you leave off? You have statues of the Dark Hand?"

"Oh, right," Jade said, deciding to let the amazing matter go. She would ponder about the irony of life later.

"They're not technically statues _of_ the Dark Hand. We've determined that they _are_ the Dark Hand."

"How do you know?" Hak Foo asked quickly, leaning forward with interest.

"Who's the Dark Hand?" one of the twins asked. Jade believed he was the one named Gan.

"Some of Daddy's old friends, Gan," Min said.

"They're statues now?" the one named Jun asked. "Did they look at Medusa?"

Jade almost laughed at how excited he sounded. His eyes were round with interest. "I don't know," she said. "Maybe. That's what I'm here to find out."

"So you came here because you wanted to see if I knew anything about this," Hak Foo said.

Jade nodded. "Yes. I don't really have any other leads, and, well, I even though they were our enemies once upon a time, I don't think anybody deserves to spend the rest of their lives turned to stone."

"What makes you think it's really them?" Hak Foo's brow furrowed.

"They're way too intricate to be statues. There's something so lifelike about them, as if they're about to spring into action at any moment. And…"

"And?" Min prompted.

"They warm when they're touched. And they glow."

"Definitely not normal," Hak Foo agreed. "But I don't know what could have happened, to be perfectly honest. The Dark Hand and I parted on good terms. The last I heard, Valmont's crime network had crumbled, and all his fortune got used up when Shendu was traveling around the world in his body, searching for the Pan Ku box."

"So… you don't have anything helpful for me?" Jade tried to conceal her disappointment.

Hak Foo shook his head. "No. I have no idea why the Dark Hand would've been working with Valmont again, and I can't think of anything they might have been doing to get turned into statues."

Jade resisted the urge to curse, noticing that the two boys were watching still, their game obviously forgotten in favor of such interesting things as Daddy's old friends being turned into rocks and crazy ladies coming to ask for help.

Jun piped up, "Duh! You gotta look for the secret message." He had one of those little kid lisps on his "s" sounds.

Cocking her head, Jade said, "What?"

"You know!" he said, almost throwing his controller with his next excited hand gestures. "Whenever bad magic stuff happens to people, there's _always_ a secret message!"

"No more Indiana Jones for you," Min said wryly.

"What? It's true!"

Gan said shyly, "Ew, what if you gotta kiss 'em?"

"Eh?" Hak Foo stared at his son.

"To wake 'em up," Gan continued. "In Sleeping Beauty, the prince wakes up the princess when he kisses her. And Snow White too."

"You're a dork, Gan," said Jun.

"Shut up!" Gan blushed fiercely and shoved Jun. A scuffle ensued, and soon they were rolling all over the carpet, punching each other and squealing.

Min grinned at them while Hak Foo rolled his eyes. Jade snorted with laughter.

Hak Foo said over the din, "I'm sorry I couldn't help more. What are you going to do now?"

Jade shrugged. "I have no idea. Guess I'll try to search for more information, someone who may have known what the Dark Hand was doing before they disappeared. It's the only thing I _can_ do."

"Let me know if you find anything out," Hak Foo said.

"Sure thing."

-

"Monty, you are one tough nut to crack," Jade said as she shut the front door behind her. "What the heck were you _doing_ before you went missing? Hmmm? What kind of guy goes and gets himself turned into a statue anyway? I'm sorta getting the impression that you're a loser, Monty."

She kicked her tennis shoes off, flexing her toes appreciatively. "I talked to your old friend Hak Foo. He couldn't tell me anything useful. And oh, man, will you get a kick out of _this_ – he married a cop! She saved his life in a barroom brawl! And they have _kids_. He's all straight edge now. And he's whipped as hell. I bet it's the sex. She looks like she knows how to handle a man – oh, ew, what am I _saying_? Gah, I creep myself out sometimes."

After sinking into her recliner and wondering at just how comfortable it always was, Jade figured she'd give herself a break from sniffing out information about Valmont and take the rest of the day off. It was already four o'clock anyway. She could order take-out for dinner and stay in. That sounded really awesome to Jade.

-

After watching a couple of movies, reading some more of her newest book about archaeology and ancient artifacts, and scarfing down some rice and Mongolian beef, Jade decided she ought o hit the hay so she could get back to the search early the next day. She figured it was only a matter of time before Jackie called her in to get back to work digging stuff up. She needed to utilize her time well and see what she could do about the whole former-enemies-turned-into-big-rocks situation.

Before Jade went to take a shower, Gan's and Jun's words from earlier that day came back to her, floating aimlessly through her thoughts. _"You gotta look for the secret message."_

Shaking her head at how silly she was, Jade walked over to Valmont's statue and laid a hand on it. The stone was still warm under her touch, and almost immediately, a glow started to shimmer around Valmont's edges, lighting the darkened living room. Testing, Jade kept her hand on Valmont-the-statue's arm, and was surprised to find that the stone continued to warm, getting hotter and hotter. The glow increased in intensity too. Fifteen seconds after Jade had initially touched the rock, the light was so bright she couldn't look directly into it, and the stone was so hot she almost had to remove her hand.

Out of stubbornness and extreme curiosity, she refused to back away, and to her astonishment, the light flashed suddenly and then died down. The heat receded to normal levels as well, and once Jade had determined that nothing further was going to happen, she stepped back, staring hard at Valmont.

"What was that about, Monty?" Of course, there was no answer. "You're trying to tell me something, I know, but I don't understand _what_."

At that moment, Jade noticed there was still a faint glimmer in the room, one that did not belong to her yellowish-lighted lamps. She followed it to the source and saw that the base Valmont's feet rested on, a great gray slab of stone, was lit up with a glowing inscription that covered its entire surface.

The characters were something she did not recognize, and as she tried to decipher them, her eyes started to sting. The symbols seemed to writhe, crawling and squirming over the stone in a manner that was almost _alive._

Jade rubbed her eyes and backed away a bit, and the glyphs melted into coherent characters, this time into characters that she could recognize. She moved closer to read them.

_Avarice turns his heart to stone,_

_And so the rock creeps down to bone._

_He will be as still as death,_

_Until he has the gift of breath._

Jade scratched her head. "The gift of breath… now, Monty, what in the world could that mean? Is this… is this some sort of clue? Could this help me get you back to normal?"

She sighed. "Not like you can help me anyway. Guess I'll tell Jackie tomorrow. For now, I just want to get a shower and go to bed. 'Night, Monty."

Without even thinking about what she was doing, Jade stretched up and gave Valmont-the-statue a peck on the cheek, then grinned at her own foolishness. "I'm getting loopy cooped up with a statue, I think."

-

Jade flew out of bed when she heard the loud _thump_ from her living room. Heart pounding, she grabbed the baseball bat she kept under her bed – for protection purposes, just in case – and inched toward her door and into the short hallway.

Craning her neck around the corner, she only just managed to conceal a squeak of surprise when she heard a groan.

"Who's there?" she demanded, sounding a lot more intimidating than she felt. She groped around on the wall for the light switch. She flipped it, and everything was a little too bright for a moment as her eyes adjusted.

"Ah, my head. Turn that blasted light off!"

Jade gasped and nearly dropped her baseball bat. Lying on her living room floor, looking rather ruffled but still almost exactly as she remembered him, in living color, breathing and talking and feeling and everything else…

"V… Valmont?"


	7. Helloooo, Monty!

A/N: _It's been a while, readers, but as I have said time and time again, I will not abandon this story. Sorry for the wait, and I hope as I have not abandoned you, you have not abandoned me. 'Cause here's the kind of stuff you've all been waiting for._

-

"V… Valmont?"

He looked at her, squinting in the dark. The only light in the room was the orange streetlamp glow that filtered through her blinds, giving everything a harsh, unreal look.

"What are you gaping at? You kissed me, didn't you?" Slowly, gingerly, he picked himself off the floor and straightened his rumpled green suit.

Jade flushed to the roots of her hair. "I, um – well, I – "

He rolled his eyes. "Get a hold of yourself, woman. You kissed me and broke the curse."

"…huh?"

Valmont didn't immediately respond. She observed as he searched the room for something, and his eyes lit on a standing lamp in the corner. He strode over to it, switched it on, and winced at the dim light, turning away and rubbing his eyes.

Jade was still standing there, gaping like a fish, and Valmont sneered. "'The gift of breath,' you nitwit."

"A… a kiss? A _kiss_ is the gift of breath?" Jade looked at the floor, frowning, and then blurted suddenly, "I didn't even kiss you on the lips!"

_Oh, me and my big mouth._

He lifted one eyebrow. "That you didn't." Before she could reply, his blue eyes traveled from the top of her head – and her bed-mussed black hair – down to her bare toes, covered in chipped blue nail polish. She crossed her arms to cover her chest in her skimpy tank top.

Luckily, Jade had slept in shorts instead of going pants-less like she sometimes did, depending on her mood.

"What?" she snapped. It was two in the morning, she was tired, she was holding a baseball bat, and a man she barely knew was dusting himself off in her living room.

He turned away, without answering, surveying her apartment with a critical eye as he did so.

"Nice place."

"Shut up," she said.

"Though I would expect the niece of Jackie Chan to have better lodgings."

"You – "

"And aren't you friends with a crime lord now?" His blue eyes glinted, his cultured accent somehow making the barb even sharper.

Jade practically felt steam coming out of her ears. "I should've just left you as a statue."

"Ah, but you couldn't resist my charm, even when I was cold as stone."

"You weren't cold," she muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

They stood there in the middle of her living room, simply appraising each other. Jade was really at a loss – what could she do about this? No way was she calling Jackie to help fix her problem. He would just baby her. Again. Besides, Valmont couldn't be _that_ dangerous. His cane was laying discarded on the floor.

Finally, he broke the steadily-becoming-awkward silence. "What time is it?"

"Two in the morning."

Something struck Jade then, and she gasped.

"Wait a minute. How did you know I'm friends with a crime lord?"

He stared at her like she was an idiot. "You said so yourself."

"You mean – you _heard all that?_"

"Why wouldn't I?" His stare was becoming even more incredulous.

"Because you were a statue!" she almost shouted.

"Careful," he said softly. "The neighbors might hear you."

_Oops_, she thought. Living on the second floor meant you had to try to be quieter. And so far, they had been making quite a bit of noise. She wondered if the neighbors _had_ heard yet.

"And being a statue doesn't mean I can't hear things. I was very aware of what's going on."

"But… you've been a statue for…" Jade trailed off, unsure of how many years he had been stuck that way.

"What year is it?"

"Two-thousand eight."

He scratched his chin absently, thinking. "Seven years. Seven years I've been like that."

"And you've been aware the entire time?" She gaped in disbelief. "How did you stay sane?"

"Who says I'm sane?" He smirked. "And I wasn't aware the entire time. Mostly I just slept."

"Slept?"

"Once you've been an aware, inanimate object for long enough, you know how to sleep until you need to listen again," he said, like it was the simplest concept ever. "I did go crazy for a bit, though."

"For a bit? How do you go crazy for a bit?"

"I got bored with being crazy." Valmont eyed the baseball bat she was still holding. When she spoke, she had been waving it around in the air, gesturing wildly. "Are you going to hit me with that? If you aren't, I suggest putting it down before you break something." He cast a critical eye over her living room. "Not that there's much to break, anyway."

She pointed it at him threateningly. "I said shut up about my apartment, or you'll find this in an uncomfortable place, Valmont."

"What, you aren't going to address me by that _charming_ nickname? I'm disappointed."

Jade felt a stab of embarrassment as she leaned the bat against the wall.

"That's better. If I was going to hurt you, I would have already."

"Oh, whatever. Like you could."

He leered at her, too tall and just a shade too close. "Don't test me."

"You are in _my_ home, buddy, so chill the hell out." Jade could feel herself starting to lose her temper, and she took a step back, ready to throw some punches if he got too physical. She really hoped he wouldn't.

Relenting, Valmont shrugged, and then, in a gesture Jade had never seen from him before – something so simple and human that it shocked her – he yawned. And covered it daintily with his hand.

"Are you tired?"

"Yes."

For a moment, Jade was nonplussed. "Well. Uh. My couch pulls out into a bed if you want to stay here for the night. That is, until we can find you somewhere better to stay."

"That would be… adequate. Yes."

"Um. 'Kay."

She had a lot of questions for him, but she was also tired, and confused, and not ready to deal with this kind of magical bullcrap at two in the morning. Why did magical bullcrap always happen to her at the most inopportune times? Jade sighed as she got to work dismantling the couch so she could pull out the folding mattress.

"A little help here?" she asked as she struggled with the slightly sticky, cheap hinges. Valmont hummed noncommittally, but moved to assist her anyway, easily pulling it out. Surreptitiously, she noticed the muscles on his arms working under his shirt as he accomplished what she had been struggling with.

"Thanks," she said, feeling a little wobbly. _God, I need sleep_. "Um, lemme just get you some blankets and a pillow."

When she came back from the hall closet, he wasn't in the living room, but she could hear him puttering around in the kitchen. The clink of glasses filtered out to her, and she heard her cupboards being opened and closed.

"What're you doing?" she asked, trying to conceal her alarm at a stranger going through her home without her supervision. She didn't want a formerly rich playboy crime lord judging her apartment when she wasn't there to tell him to screw off.

He didn't answer, instead cracking open a canned drink and pouring it in a glass filled with ice. There was a strange, deep satisfaction on his face as he waited for the fizz to subside and then guzzled it all in five long chugs. A bliss so primitive Jade was amazed by it swept over his aristocratic face, and she realized this was the first time in seven years he had had anything to drink.

He twitched a little as the carbonation came back for revenge, and he burped silently – an art Jade herself had not quite mastered.

"Um… thirsty?"

He raised his eyebrows dryly. "Quite."

"Your blankets are on the bed. Since it's so hot, I just gave you some sheets. And you can turn the fan on if you want."

"Very well then."

"Um, good night." She turned to go, and stopped with her back to him when he spoke.

"Good night, Miss Chan."

Hesitantly, she said, "My mom's Miss Chan. Call me Jade."

Immediately, she felt stupid. Valmont, her former enemy, a crime lord in her kitchen, was not going to want to call her by her first name. _What's next, Jade? You want to make friendship bracelets and hot chocolate with him? How about paper dolls and camp lanyards?_

"Good night then, Jade."

Despite herself, Jade shivered at the way his dark voice and accent slithered around her name.

-

Jade woke to the smell of eggs cooking.

She briefly had a moment where she didn't remember the incident with Valmont and panicked, wondering who was in her apartment – then it all came flooding back, and she sighed with relief.

Then she had another moment in which she wondered why the hell she could smell cooking. Wrapping a robe around herself, she padded into the kitchen and was struck by the sight that met her.

Valmont was standing at her stove over a skillet, scrambling eggs. Even more mind-boggling was that he was in his sock feet, his shirt untucked and rumpled, and the buttons down the front were opened, revealing his white undershirt and rather muscular chest. His green dress pants looked a bit wrinkled from sleeping in them.

Jade only _just_ restrained her jaw from dropping, and she struggled to regain her composure before he turned. He glanced at her from the corner of his eyes, his lips twitching a bit.

Each time he evidenced a sense of humor, Jade found herself shocked. She wondered if that was going to be a normal thing. _Wait, no, it can't be a normal thing because he's not sticking around here, Jade. No, no, no._

"Hungry?" he asked innocently.

"Um… no, I'm good. I'll just – "

Her stomach chose that moment to let out a loud rumble.

Valmont's face was stone-cold straight as he ladled some eggs onto a plate, picked up some toast from a stack next to his elbow, and held the loaded plate out to her. When she took it sheepishly, he prepared himself some food and breezed past her to the table, where he sat down and began reading the newspaper.

_He brought in the newspaper? What kind of freaky parallel dimension have I landed in?_

"You made breakfast?"

"I was hungry. And you were asleep." He sipped a steaming mug of coffee, eyes on the headlines.

"So you just… went into my kitchen… and made eggs?"

She eyed a forkful like they might be poisoned. He leveled a look at her over his mug. "I assure you, there's no cyanide in it. I wouldn't kill my host. I have more manners than that, at least."

"You're a criminal," she accused, almost flinging eggs across the table with her wild gesturing.

"Being a criminal is not mutually exclusive to being versed in etiquette."

When she continued to look skeptical, he rolled his eyes and went back to reading the paper. Distracted, he drawled, "Suit yourself."

He kept reading, and she stared at the eggs and the buttered toast, feeling hungry. _Well. He said he has manners. And apparently I'm crazy._ She lifted some eggs to her mouth, put them on her tongue, and chewed slowly, trying to detect any hints of you're-going-to-fall-to-the-floor-vomiting-your-brains-out. Nope. Nothing.

Still suspicious, she continued eating, and by the time her plate had been scraped clean, she still hadn't started bleeding from her pores, so she was curiously satisfied.

"So… did you sleep all right?" she asked, feeling awkward.

"Mm, quite. Though the springs poked my back. And the bed is obviously cheap. I wonder how you manage like this."

Feeling snotty, she jabbed her fork in his direction. "The same way you did when your estate went to hell."

"Point." She could _swear_ she heard humor in his voice.

After another period of uncomfortable – at least to Jade anyway as Valmont seemed somehow perfectly at ease – silence, Jade said, "So what are we going to do about … um… this?"

"I find somewhere to stay, and we move on with our lives."

"That's a great idea, but what about the other members of the Dark Hand?"

"Ah, that. I _suppose – _" And here he heaved a great, put-upon sigh. "– I'll have to help you free them from the constraints of the curse." He set the newspaper down with a rustle and leaned back in his chair, looking her in the eye. "After all, it is my fault they're in such a state."

"Yeah, what _did_ happen? How'd you guys end up all … turned-to-stone and stuff?"

"It has a lot to do with those ancient artifacts we stole from ruins in the Amazon rainforest."

"You… _what_?" Her eyes bugged.

He nodded, savoring her amazement, obviously reveling in it. "I was trying to regain some of the fortune I had lost. Stealing these items seemed like the perfect idea. And of course, Ratso and the rest were all for it if they were assured a cut of the reward.

"Unfortunately, the items were cursed, and it wasn't twenty-four hours after we had stolen the blasted things that various parts of us were turning to stone."

"Um… various parts?"

"My toes went first, if you must know."

Jade resisted the urge to laugh, imagining Valmont staring at his stone toes. "Why didn't you just put the artifacts back?"

"Greed. And it wasn't that simple. The changes hadn't started occurring until we got them back to the California. I had to arrange another flight to get us back to the ruins. And then we would have to hike back through the rainforest. It was much too late for that."

"Whoa. So no one noticed you turning into a rock?"

"It was too fast. All of it occurred in less than eight hours. The rest of the Dark Hand had showed up at my lodgings when their own bodies started changing. And right there, as we discussed the problems, one by one, we turned so much we couldn't move. There was nothing to be done about it."

"But how'd no one find you for so long?"

He smiled slowly, an unsettling look. "I have many enemies who enjoy fine works of art. Especially if there's a possibility it's really me."

Jade shivered. "That's just… creepy."

He tilted his head a bit, not agreeing or disagreeing with her.

"Well," she said. "I guess we ought to go to Jackie's and tell him the good news."

"I'm sure Chan will be thrilled."

"I'm going to go take a shower. Do you want one when I'm done? And, uh, I guess we can borrow some of Jackie's clothes for you…"

Seeing his lip curl in disgust, Jade held up her hands. "Never mind that then. We'll stop at the store before we go."

"However, I do require a shower."

"Fine. Just don't destroy anything or go anywhere 'cause I'm going first."

He shrugged and sipped some coffee. As she left the room, his voice drifted to her.

"I'll be waiting."


End file.
